------------------
[Translator - Tangrine ]
[Proofreader - Seeker ]
------------------
Chapter 39: The Strength Not to Lose Oneself
Noah only came to understand that this world was such a place, filled to the brim with suffering, after she lost her mother.
["……."]
A child does not know the world's pain.
Knows nothing of tempests.
Knows nothing of malice.
A child's world is their mother's embrace. Because the mother bears all that suffering in the child’s stead, a child’s world is simply a cradle, comfortable and serene.
["……I don’t want to die."]
Amidst that dreadful suffering, for the first time, Noah felt a fierce obsession with life.
Survival instinct.
The fear of death is something one can only truly grasp when they are truly alive.
["I hate being alone…… I don’t want to be left alone."]
To live is to die.
Day by day, Noah died, and the more she died, the deeper her thirst for life became.
The more the suffering grew, the more precious life became.
In the end, are not human beings who seek the meaning of life through suffering— Masochists, in a way?
["I want to live……!"]
However, the will to live does not always guarantee survival.
Noah was dying.
The fate she was born with devoured her very life.
A being whose death had been promised from the moment of birth.
Surely, that could describe all living things……
But for her, who devoured herself to survive and thereby perished— was it not a phrase that suited her even more?
["……."]
Death.
Irrevocable death.
A one-sided, irreversible death that can no longer answer the living.
Noah died.
However, some rise again from among the dead after three days.
["Fear not."]
That was a miracle.
A miracle granted to her, and her alone.
["For I am with thee."]
Noah killed Zara.
Burned her mother to death.
Offered the most pitiful of all scapegoats as a burnt offering to God.
And at the end of it, she devoured even herself.
["Do not be afraid."]
This was the rightful ritual.
["I shall become your Father."]
The birth of the Saintess.
Noah, who had lost her mother, became the daughter of God.
And thus, she was given new life.
["Love. Truly I say to you, love."]
This God was one who made such promises.
["Love one another."]
As long as Zara was the most wicked being in this world, then everyone else would be less wicked than Zara.
["Love your neighbor as yourself."]
As long as Zara was the most unfortunate being in this world, then everyone else would be less unfortunate than Zara.
["Love your enemy."]
Good and evil. Life and death. Misery and joy. Valleys and peaks.
One gives birth to another.
One must lack for the other to be complete.
The god who governs the balance of this world.
["Then I shall truly promise you eternal life."]
The name of that god was the God of Balance and Necessary Evil.
·
·
·
"Ah. It’s been a while, Noah."
"……Mother."
"Heheh. Won’t you call me ‘Mom’?"
"……."
Noah fell silent.
She answered with silence.
How could she possibly dare to call her ‘Mom’?
Noah was the one who killed Zara.
A sinner.
She had no face to show, no right even to lift her head.
"Well, that’s fine! Titles aren’t what matter, after all."
"……I’m sorry."
"What was it you said earlier? That you were sorry? Sorry for killing me?"
"It’s all my fault. So please—"
"Why?"
"……What?"
"Why did you kill me? Why is it that now, you feel sorry for it?"
"That’s… because—"
Noah didn’t know how to answer.
Why did she kill her?
Because… she didn’t know.
She didn’t know what death was.
She didn’t know what suffering was.
She didn’t know what loneliness was.
She sinned because she did not know.
Had she known, she would not have sinned.
Why is she sorry?
Because now she knows.
She knows what a grave sin it was. She knows how horrific the wrongdoing was.
That’s all there is to it.
"It’s not that. That’s not the point at all!"
But Zara shook her head. She stubbornly denied it.
And once more, she asked the question.
"I’ll ask again, Noah. Why did you do it?"
"……."
"You were young, you didn’t know any better… Those are things people say after the fact. Those words mean nothing. Let’s try to be a little more honest. Back then, why did you do it? What were you thinking?"
"That was……"
Why did she do it, back then?
Well, back then…
At that time, the me of those days──
"……I felt stifled."
She felt stifled.
"There were too many things I wasn’t allowed to do. So I did it on purpose. The more I was told not to, the more I wanted to do it."
"Mhm, go on."
"I was resentful. I knew that Mother didn’t love me. That fact made me resentful, so I deliberately tried harder to catch your attention. I thought… that if I could shine like fire, I might be able to draw your eyes to me."
"What an ungrateful little brat! Do you have any idea how much I did for you? You're the textbook definition of a wretched brat."
"……Huh? I’m sorry."
"Go on. Is there more?"
"I was curious. About what suffering was. What would happen if I broke the rules. Why do people fear fire."
"Aha. Curiosity. And then?"
"……."
"That’s it?"
"……Yes."
Slowly, as she mulled over Noah’s answer, Zara gave a small nod.
She placed a hand on top of Noah’s head.
Noah flinched, her body trembling.
Zara gently stroked Noah’s hair.
Zara’s frame was slightly smaller than Noah’s.
It became a sight of a small girl petting a slightly less small girl.
"I see. I forgive you."
"…What?"
"It couldn’t be helped, could it? Part of it was my fault for not raising you properly. If I had been in the same situation, completely unaware, I might’ve made the same mistake. Kids grow by making mistakes."
"But── are you really… okay with it, Mother?"
"I’m fine. It’s all in the past, after all."
"……."
Noah fell silent.
It felt like a spike was driven between her ribs.
Like her lungs and liver had been punctured.
It hurt.
Her mother’s kindness and goodness—those were what hurt.
The more her mother forgave her, the heavier her sin felt.
And then.
As if she understood Noah’s pain, her mother opened her mouth and spoke.
"So, Noah. Please forgive yourself too."
"Me…?"
"Yes. From where I’m standing, it looks like you haven’t been able to forgive yourself."
"……"
"You don’t need to torment yourself anymore. Your sins have already been forgiven. I’m standing right here, in front of you, and I’m not going to blame you anymore."
"Why… Why? Why must you always treat your suffering so lightly──"
"Noah. Don’t decide for yourself what counts as my suffering."
"……What?"
"I’m not so weak that I’d be ruined by something like that."
Only then could Noah finally bring herself to look directly at the girl before her.
The kind girl gently stroking her head—
She hadn’t resigned herself to misfortune.
She wasn’t crushed under the weight of responsibility.
On the contrary, she was staring straight at her misfortune more boldly than anyone else.
"I’m not saying it’s okay for me to suffer. What you did was truly terrible, Noah. And if you ever make the same mistake again, I will get mad. I’ll curse at you, you know. A lot. Maybe even hit you."
"……."
"But that’s not what truly matters. What matters is that you’re stuck in that mistake— unable to move forward."
Noah recognized those eyes.
That blazing gaze that faced fate head-on more fearlessly than anyone.
That was—
Yes. That bold, fiercely positive look in her eyes—
It was the Gigachad’s gaze.
"Noah. You can become a better person."
"You can learn what you don’t know. You can reflect on your mistakes. And sure, maybe some mistakes are unforgivable—just like you said. Maybe you won’t even get a chance to apologize. Maybe you’ll live the rest of your life haunted by guilt. Maybe you’ll make the same mistake again, one day."
"……."
"But Noah, even so, you must not give up on everything. Your life is right here. It’s not in the past, where you committed your sins."
Her mother’s voice overlapped with the Gigachad’s voice.
"It's okay not to know. It's okay to make mistakes. Just because you did something wrong doesn’t mean you’re truly a bad person, Noah. It’s only when you become trapped in that guilt and decide, ‘I must be a terrible person,’ and give up on yourself— that’s when you become a bad person."
Gigachad was an illness of the heart.
A self she had always denied.
The comfort she had longed to offer herself.
The encouragement she had yearned to receive.
"What matters is trying to become a better person. It’s okay to fail. Because what’s important isn’t the outcome—it’s the journey. Not the goal, but the path you take toward it—that’s what shapes you into someone better, Noah."
Everything about Noah had been passed down from her mother.
"You understand, right? So please, Noah. Forgive yourself because the only person who can truly change you is you. And if you don’t believe in yourself, you won’t be able to do anything."
If that was the case… Then even this feeling in her heart— if it was something she had inherited from her mother—wouldn’t be so strange after all.
Perhaps, she had been quietly receiving her mother’s comfort all this time.
That thought crossed her mind.
"Fufu. Did I talk too much?"
"……Mother."
"Yes, Noah?"
"Is it… really a sin──"
No.
No, that’s not it.
That’s not what she needed to say.
She had already learned this.
At times like this, there was a different answer.
Right now, what she needed wasn’t an apology.
What she needed to say was—
"……Thank you, Mother. Thank you for giving birth to me… and for forgiving me… truly, thank you."
"Pfft! It’s not like I had you because I wanted to."
"Zara… That’s kind of a weird thing to say, isn’t it?"
"Ehehe. Is it?"
The three girls smiled.
It felt as though sunlight had poured down into the bedroom alone.
And then, Zara took Noah’s hand and hooked their pinkies together.
"Okay then, Noah. Will you make me a promise?"
"A promise…?"
"Yup!"
"Hmm. What kind of promise?"
"Promise me you won’t hurt yourself anymore. Promise you won’t keep punishing yourself."
"Haha… Alright."
"You have to keep it."
"I will. I promise."
"Good. You see, sister Priscilla is the priestess of Libra. Now that you’ve made a promise, if you break it… you’re going to face a very scary punishment."
"Huh? Me, you mean?"
Priscilla tilted her head with a curious look.
Then she let out a small chuckle and nodded.
"Yes. It's nothing too difficult. I, Priscilla—the priestess of the Libra— will bear witness to your promise under the authority of the Fair Scales."
In that moment, a tiny ember sparked from Zara’s heart and quietly settled into Noah’s.
It was such a small flame that no one even noticed it.
"Zara. It’s time to go back."
"Huh?"
"That child’s precious daughter is waiting. We can’t take up too much of her time. As for the rest of the promise… you can always come back and finish it another day."
"Ah! Okay! Noah, see you again next time!"
"Yes, Mother. I’ll be waiting."
In truth, a flame carrying the power to keep one from losing themselves— such a thing didn’t matter at all.
Whether or not Noah’s illness would one day stop eating her away— that wasn’t what truly mattered, either.
Because what truly held meaning was not the power, but the promise.
The two of them had linked their pinkies and made a vow. And that alone was enough.
·
·
·
"By the way, sister Priscilla."
Noah asked.
"What did you mean when you said she had the same illness of the heart?"
"It means… She’s someone who needs courage."
"Ah…"
"Hehe."
"Fufufu."
------------------
[Translator - Tangrine ]
[Proofreader - Seeker ]
------------------
