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[Translator - Tangrine ]
[Proofreader - Seeker ]
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Chapter - 34: Non-human Person
Nova responded with a slightly stiff expression.
"I'm not your mother."
"S-Sorry, ma'am. I just… had a sad dream."
"A sad dream?"
"Yes! I dreamed my mother was holding my hand so tightly. I was abandoned at an orphanage when I was four… and back then, my mother smiled while holding my hand just like that. Maybe because of that dream last night, I started seeing you and her as the same person… and I said it without thinking…"
"…It’s all right. Everyone slips up now and then. It’s nothing worth scolding over."
"Hehe, okay."
Mom.
Nova rolled the word around in her mouth for a moment.
It felt strange.
If words had flavor, then to Nova, the word ‘mom’ had a taste so bitter it was almost unbearable.
A taste that left her tongue stinging even if she spat it out immediately.
"…Let’s get washed up and begin today’s training. I’ll start by teaching you how to identify the tools."
"Yes, ma’am!"
Nova was starting to feel a little uneasy about this life.
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"Um...Would it be okay if I slept with you tonight…? I think there’s a monster under my bed…"
"You don’t need to be afraid. It’s likely just a trick of the darkness. Fear stems from ignorance—so take a proper look under the bed and see what’s there…"
"Just for tonight… can’t I…?"
"…Haaah. It’s not such a difficult request."
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"Um…"
"What is it this time?"
"Hehe. I brought you a gift!"
"…It’s a drawing."
"I drew you and me together. I really wanted to give it to you."
"Thank you. That sentiment is truly precious."
"Hehe. I just suddenly felt inspired, and I had to draw it."
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"Oww… that hurts…"
"I did warn you to be careful. Many of these tools are sharp and pointed."
"This medicine stings so much… Couldn’t I just have a drop of your blood instead? Hehe."
"You may not. That is not a remedy to be used so carelessly."
"Tch."
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"Ah, good morning… Mother."
"Did you have another sad dream?"
"This time, it wasn’t a mistake."
"……"
"Just once—may I not call you that, just once?"
"No."
"How unfair."
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"Mother."
"I’ve told you more than once, I am not—"
"The Director… has passed away."
"……"
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"……"
"……"
"Please tell me, Mother. Has the Director… gone to a good place?"
"…Of course. She spent her life in service to children. No doubt she is now in Heaven, smiling from the place closest to the Father."
"Hehe… I’m glad to hear that."
"…Do you wish to see her again?"
"It would be a lie to say no… but I’m alright. I can wait. If I live kindly… I can go to her side someday too, right?"
"Hmm. Yes. You too… someday…"
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"Mother."
"Wash your face and get up, quickly."
"Hehe, you’re not stopping me anymore?"
"…The title isn’t what truly matters."
"Ah, then… does that mean I have your permission?"
"It does not."
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"Mother. Are you alright? Your complexion…"
"I'm fine."
"You haven’t slept at all for days. From what I can tell, you’re sleep-deprived, Mother!"
"I said I’m fine. Truly, I—"
"Ahem."
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"Gigachad. Are you there?"
- "Of course. Noappy. You calling me first? Now that’s unusual."
"You said you're my inner self, right? So… I think I don’t even understand my own heart. There’s something I want to ask."
- "By all means. Ask anything. What I know, you know too… but sometimes, there are answers we can only hear when we ask ourselves."
A hearty response.
The saintess asked with a trembling voice, as though she'd seen a ghost.
"Is it possible… that I’ve grown attached to that child?"
Gigachad smiled brightly.
A radiant, refreshing smile that revealed his snow-white teeth.
A sign of affirmation so clear, it needed no words.
And yet—
The saintess asked again.
Because she couldn't bring herself to believe it.
"That I… care for that child…"
- "Noappy. Asking the same question again won’t change the answer."
"……"
The time spent with the child had been truly joyful.
So joyful that, when someone is too happy, they start to feel afraid.
"…I… I can’t become that child’s mother. I don’t know kindness. I don’t understand what love in a family means."
She was afraid.
Afraid of hurting that child.
She could not and should not become that child’s mother.
That would be a mistake.
"Such intense attachment wouldn’t be good for her, either. Right now, she’s only projecting the absence of a mother onto me. So, for her sake, I should sever this… firmly, now—"
- "Noappy."
At that moment, Noappy fell silent.
Gigachad’s voice was chillingly cold enough to raise goosebumps.
His expression had twisted.
Noappy instinctively diagnosed it.
Anger.
Concern.
Sadness.
And also—
A faint joy, and relief… A strange expression.
- "If you truly want to change, then I’ll support your transformation with everything I have. I’ll push you uphill when the road is steep, and I’ll catch you when you're stumbling downhill. And when it becomes too much, I’ll tell you to sit and rest for a while. But."
"But in the end… I have to be the one to keep walking—am I right?"
- "But if you ever give up walking altogether, I’ll beat you down and shout you back onto your feet if I have to."
"...Excuse me?"
Gigachad, who always preached the importance of choosing one’s path.
But today, he was different.
- "If the road is hard, you can rest. You can stumble or sit down for a while. You could even lie flat on your back. Maybe even wander off onto another path."
"……"
- "But giving up? That’s completely different. Just because the road’s rough, just because you’re tired, or because the goal feels too far… to give up completely? That’s the kind of shit only fucking cowards pull. Rest hard, work hard. If you rest properly, you’ve got to get moving again. But if you just sit there and say you’re never getting up again—then I’ve got no choice but to beat that fucking loser mindset right out of you."
Right now, Gigachad... sounded like a doctor.
A doctor is always someone who demands something from their patient.
To be well, one must endure discomfort.
Swallow bitter medicine. Exercise consistently.
Quit drinking. Live cautiously. That’s what doctors say.
"Oh, you’re misunderstanding me!"
Noappy offered an excuse.
Like a patient, fumbling with an apology before their doctor.
Saying it was just one drink. That a friend offered it, and she couldn’t say no.
Her face flushed with shame as the words tumbled out.
"It’s just that… becoming a child’s mother isn’t aligned with the goal I’ve been pursuing. What I want is… I mean…"
- "You want a noble and ideal form of love, right? Like the love of the Father who dwells in Heaven?"
"Yes! To serve all people equally—that’s my true ideal—"
- "Noappy. You are not God."
"……"
That sentence was something Noappy had avoided her entire life.
- "Noappy. My poor girl. There’s no such thing as eternal suffering. No eternal joy, no eternal peace. There is no salvation. There won’t come a final sermon to help everyone overcome their pain. There will be no Day of Judgment when the righteous rise and the wicked burn. You can’t save everyone. And God won’t save you. You are not God. And God is not you."
Noappy stared at Gigachad, stunned.
Light shimmered in her clear eyes.
And just like a doctor searching for the source of their patient’s pain, Gigachad diagnosed her.
And then Noappy realized she’d been under a completely absurd misconception all this time.
A misdiagnosis.
She corrected it herself.
"You weren’t my ‘inner self’ at all, were you?"
- "Right. The sickness in your heart isn’t you. The poor noble girl who stole away your love, the unfortunate child burning with fever who had no chance to live—none of them are you. Not even your suffering is truly ‘you’."
"You are—"
- "You can’t carry their pain. Because you cannot understand it."
"You are… and I…"
The words she meant to use in protest began to fade.
Little by little, her voice dissolved—
Until it was nothing but a barely audible murmur.
In a voice so small only she could hear it, she asked this not-me something.
"What am I even capable of?"
The world is unkind. And so, one must search for meaning within suffering.
Because everything in this world is suffering.
And if suffering itself is sweetness, then is this world a place full of sweetness?
"There’s so much I can’t do. No—there’s nothing I can do. That’s right. My pain isn’t mine, and my patients aren’t mine, and even I… am not myself. If I can’t save anyone… if nothing in this world has any value in the end… then what’s the point of any of my actions? If I deny everything and look away, will I finally be happy?"
What if suffering has no meaning?
If everything is empty and useless…
If pain never brings anything good, and sadness never leads to something sweet…
If suffering means nothing at all—
Then what’s the point of these empty words?
"I don’t want to become a coward."
If I stand idle before injustice just because nothing will change—
Then I’d be better off gouging out my eyes and living blind.
"I will save them. I… will carry all the suffering myself. If suffering never ends as long as life continues, then I’ll end that life. Must I kill this entire world? Is that my fate? Was I… born to destroy this world?"
At that moment, she realized her fate.
Because she was wise.
She had the clarity to examine herself.
"I was simply… born this way…"
Diagnosis: Incurable.
This is the diagnosis she gave herself.
The dreadful illness afflicting the world.
"How could someone like me ever be kind?"
- "Stop overthinking, Nova. Don’t think about the world. Don’t think about God. Just ask yourself—what is it you want right now?"
"……"
- "If everything in this world is meaningless, then pursue meaningless happiness. Act like an Alpha. Protect your pack. Eat ravenously, devour greedily. Make time for the one you love. Cast out those who don’t belong. That’s what it means to be kind. To favor someone. To devote your time completely to one person."
"…It’s selfish."
- "You’re human, not God."
No.
No, that’s not it.
"If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re sleepy, lie down. If you’re angry, shout. If you’re sad, cry. When you receive something, rejoice. When you lose something, grieve. The fact that you wept bitterly over a loss doesn’t mean you’re greedy for clinging to objects— It means you cherished something that deeply."
Nova has no father.
She never did.
This is not a metaphor. Nova was truly born… alone.
"No, it can’t be. The truth is—"
A secret she had never told anyone.
No—A secret she never wanted to tell anyone.
"…I am not human."
She is not human.
And Gigachad’s response to that confession was this.
- "Noappy. My idiot… I told you. No matter what you want to become, I’ll support you with everything I’ve got."
"……"
- "What matters isn’t how you were born."
"……"
"Really—"
"What matters is how you live…"
- "Of course. You already know that. My daughter. Say it yourself—how do you want to live?"
"I…"
A monster, born in the process of removing a malignant tumor from a young girl’s womb.
An aberration created by endlessly advanced healing magic.
One who prays nightly to be made well, but can never truly be healthy due to the nature of her birth.
A walking cancer.
"I… it’s just… I mean…"
She can only find healing through suffering.
Because illness is her essence.
And her god… is the god of the sick.
That ‘Father’ must have truly taken pity on her.
"I want to live… as a human."
If she ceases to be a saintess, she dies.
She consumes herself and dies.
"No. I want to die as a human."
But no one chooses how they are born.
So then, isn’t life…really about choosing how we die?
Nova chose her fate.
There was only one answer for someone who has chosen their fate.
- "My daughter, as thou wilt."
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Our Father in Heaven.
Take this cup from me.
But if my will is not Yours—
Then I shall be the one to overturn this cup of life myself…
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[Translator - Tangrine ]
[Proofreader - Seeker ]
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