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Chapter - 32: Masochist
Nova has no father.
"…Duke? That was rather harsh."
"No. I mean, she's an orphan."
"Ah."
"And I don’t have a father either."
"…Didn’t you stab him in the back yourself?"
"Anyway."
The conversation briefly went off track, so let’s return to the point.
Nova has no father.
It had always been that way, ever since she was a child.
Which means the only figure Nova could rely on emotionally was the ‘Father in Heaven.’
In other words, her moral upbringing came entirely from the Bible.
"You're saying something awful right now."
"What’s so awful about it? In this world, do you know how many orphans there are? Most of the main characters don’t have both parents."
"Come to think of it, that’s true for me as well."
Let’s talk about another orphan in this world—Zara.
Zara is ‘the most unfortunate girl in the world.’
Which means she was once the happiest in the world.
She had a blessed childhood.
She was raised with a good education under a kind father and a cultured mother.
And The Saintess is Zara’s antithesis.
In every aspect, including their family backgrounds, the two are opposites.
In other words, Nova is ‘the happiest girl in the world.’
"She doesn’t seem all that happy, though. How could someone who carries the pain of others possibly be happy?"
"Because Nova’s a masochist."
"……"
"No, seriously. You heard her say she doesn’t want to give up the suffering."
She needs pain to heal.
She loves this world overflowing with suffering.
A being who endlessly seeks out agony.
What else would you call such a being, if not a masochist?
"…Even so, to me, she just looks like she’s struggling."
"Well, Noah is kind. It can't be helped that it's struggling."
Evil can do as it pleases. There is no evil that constantly strives to be more evil.
In fact, to be sordid behind the scenes while acting virtuous in public is also an excellent form of evil.
But good is different.
Good must constantly prove itself.
That’s why being good is exhausting.
"So in the end, you’re saying it’s still hard."
“Well, it’s a quantitative expression. Just as Zara becomes more unfortunate day by day… Nova becomes happier day by day. When Nova bears the pain of two people, Nova becomes as happy as those two.”
“What matters is the gap between the low point and the high point. You could say the more unfortunate, the happier. Because true happiness can only be found within misfortune.”
Just as Zara had a more privileged childhood than others, Nova was born less fortunate than others.
A life born having everything but constantly losing it.
And a life born with nothing but constantly receiving.
From that perspective, Nova is the happiest person in the world.
“That expression says you’re not convinced.”
“No, I understand… but still, I think it might be better if this world simply perishes.”
Kanaria’s complexion worsened.
She seemed disillusioned by the absurdity of this world.
Well, I felt the same, but…
Since I’m working hard to save the world, hearing that kind of talk just kills my motivation.
Instead of arguing, I took a gold coin out of my pocket.
This was a surefire remedy for Kanaria.
“Now that I think about it, I guess living diligently even in a world like this is what matters.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t be too cynical. Our goal is to save the world.”
“I understand.”
I don’t need pessimists in my plan.
People who declare, ‘A world like this might as well perish,’ are just a nuisance hero enough.
===================
After finishing the treatment of a patient who came in with oral inflammation, Nova tidied up the medical tools.
Clink—
The sound of metal hitting metal was louder than usual.
“Doctor, are you alright? You don’t look well.”
“Oh, yes. I’m fine. It’s just… I didn’t sleep well last night. It’s nothing that would interfere with my work, so there’s no need to worry.”
Nova’s complexion was poor.
Her face lacked strength, clearly showing fatigue.
The patient who had just been treated was worried about her.
“It’s surprising to hear that you didn’t sleep well, Doctor. I hope I wasn’t a bother with something trivial.”
“No, even a small inflammation, if left untreated, can lead to serious illness. If you’re in pain, don’t hesitate to visit the hospital anytime.”
“Haha, I see. You’re diligent, Doctor. Still, it's good for you to get rest when you're tired."
“…Yes. I suppose I should.”
She was tired. Nova suddenly realized that fact and smiled weakly.
She wasn’t taking proper care of herself.
“Next time, I’ll bring some herbs good for fatigue.”
“If you have something like that, please don’t give it to me—”
“You don’t have to refuse.”
“…Yes. Then I will gratefully accept.”
The patient left the hospital.
By the side, Gigachad let out a slight chuckle.
- “Isn’t it that a doctor must maintain a strong exterior so patients won’t feel anxious?”
“….”
- “Avoiding eye contact? I wonder where that confidence from yesterday went.”
“Please keep your mouth shut.”
Since honestly voicing the twisted desires dwelling inside her, Nova began to avoid Gigachad’s gaze.
Facing oneself is a rather embarrassing thing.
Especially for someone as kind as Nova.
An arrogant person would see only their merits ten times over looking into the mirror—but a humble person always sees their flaws first.
“…Father. I have sinned greatly in thought, word, and deed, and often neglected my duties.”
- “Stop, Noappy. You don’t need to belittle yourself. Stop those negative thoughts. The fact that you’re a masochist who finds happiness in suffering isn’t something to be ashamed of! Of course, you wouldn’t want others to know.”
“Please stop.”
- “Brace yourself. Harden your heart and think positively. Seeking pain isn’t a flaw—it’s a strength. It means you can smile even in the hardest moments of life.”
Nova nodded in agreement with those words.
Telling others not to lose positivity was always what she told her patients.
And yet, she became miserable.
Because it meant admitting she was a patient.
Given that she was seeing such hallucinations, denying that she was a patient was impossible.
“Sigh… Very well. For any treatment to begin, a patient must properly acknowledge their illness. I must examine myself thoroughly… and heal.”
- “Good job. That’s a fine goal. Facing yourself and deciding to change is important. Let’s take it step by step, my daughter.”
“Do you really understand? I'm going to get rid of you."
- “I am your inner self, Noappy. I will always be closer to you than your heart. Whether you see me or not is irrelevant. What truly matters is that I’m unseen.”
“Phew. Alright then, let’s begin the treatment.”
Nova began the treatment.
It was a treatment for a sickness of the heart that the Saintess’s power could not cure.
The patient was herself.
The illness was a hallucination.
The origin of the sickness was the mind.
The treatment is...
- “There is only one way to heal the mind.”
“What is it?”
- “To become the alpha! Hard work, hard training. To give your best every moment and decide your life by your own will. That’s all there is.”
“That’s not very helpful...”
The treatment would have to be thought over slowly.
It was an illness Nova had never faced before.
She would have to examine herself for a long time.
·
·
·
Time flowed slowly like a river.
But it did not stop and kept flowing.
“Doctor! Thank you for healing my wound last time. This isn’t much, but… I want to give you a token of thanks.”
“I’m fine. Please use this money to help those in need around you—”
- “You fucking idiot. That money is a sign of gratitude toward you. It’s not for some unfortunate child somewhere. Can’t you even tell the difference between a gift and a donation?”
“…Thank you. I will use this money to help those in need.”
“Haha. You really are kind, Doctor.”
Nova listened carefully to this hallucination.
And she decided to grant it what it wanted as much as possible.
For the sake of an accurate diagnosis.
Of course, she wouldn’t comply if it asked for something evil, but despite its harsh tone, its content was mostly reasonable.
Nova carefully recorded information about this hallucination in her medical notes.
She documented what it said, and in what situations it felt joy.
- “Are you serious? What that person needs is not forgiveness for their friend. They need to properly get angry at their friend and express their feelings. If necessary, they should even come to blows. Reconciliation and forgiveness come after that. If you don’t properly let go of the grudges inside, the same thing will happen again.”
“Quarrels don’t solve anything. Getting angry and cursing only drags you into a pit. Ultimately, forgiving others is the fastest way to save your own heart.”
- “Right. That ‘Father’ would say to forgive seventy-seven times. If you cut it off properly the first time, you’d only have to forgive once!”
Sometimes they argued over a single topic.
But those arguments weren’t unpleasant.
On the contrary, they were even quite satisfying.
It was strange.
Truly a strange thing.
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